A wave of ‘death’ blew in a few days ago; once again taking another loved one of mine. My Aunt, I loved so very much, an angel to everyone, passed away last week, just like my other Aunt who passed a year ago. I wanted to add this to my ‘death tribute page’. So many loved ones dying led me to create that page, but I’m too vulnerable yet, too ‘something’ to be organized enough to add it to that page. LOL. I miss them so much!
Each death that occurs brings me closer to confusion that brings me closer to the answer of my life. It’s as if you must get right next to that illusive confusion that only lurks by ‘death’ that’s connected to your heart and soul, in order to pass through to the next phase of your life, a phase that holds answers to your questions that you don’t know how to form into words, questions, feelings that you don’t know how to say, ‘what the heck is wrong with you?’
Every casket I carry –literally- (how morbid) and place on their final resting place, pulls out tears that somehow clean out the questions, maybe taking extra words out of them, making them more simpler to the point where all that is left is a few words and then you say, “Oh, yeah, I can answer that?” You become bolder! Things that you would never decide on because you thought it would be throwing away all of your hard work, you suddenly decide on and ignore the ones that say, “If you do that you’ll be making a big mistake!!” My answer to them –because that did happen yesterday- is, “In your eyes, it’s a mistake, in my eyes, it’s a wise choice.”
I am secretly going to go back to school in a little bit to get something else other than the bachelor degree I have. I’ve narrowed it down to two careers. But to keep this moment quick, I’ll save that perhaps for another post. I was thinking about Nursing, but can’t afford to quit my job for over a year. LOL. Always something, right?
Moral? Hold on. Keep holding on. Through death, comes tears of course, but then the clouds will start to part and the answer you’ve been longing for will show itself. Just open your eyes and give it a chance to explain its disappearance for so long, a chance to tell you, “Yes, it’ll be okay if you change this, or do this, or leave this for that, etc.” Believe in your heart that God knows what he’s doing. Please! Death is inevitable. But, happiness now and in the hereafter is forever. No one really dies. We just change. Like water; it evaporates, turns to rain again, turns to ice, but it’s still the same ‘water’. Our souls, spirits, posses these bodies and make them ‘alive’. Right? So after we go, we only possess something else in the hereafter, something greater that matches our ‘love’ not hate. There’s one piece of evidence that no one can argue with that proves we are ‘alive’ because of a greater power, and that’s the human ‘heart’. The heart is not connected to anything that powers it. No! It powers the body, but NOTHING that is visible powers IT. Our spirit powers it. So, when it stops, we go someplace and power another ‘vessel’ another ‘thing’. Bodies have a time limit, but our souls, spirits and the love they’ve learned to hold to, is forever!!! Everyone I lost, I loved! And I will take that with me. Even if Saint Peter decides that ‘going down’ is my fate –I hope not- I will still be grateful that my heart loved, cared, helped, and forever cherished the ones that departed. They are with me; I know it.
First step’s completed! Scary!! It was strange too. After I made up my mind to step down and told them, then suddenly some ‘truths’ came poring out. Hidden ‘truths’ that I thought I was being paranoid about. It felt like I was in a confessional and was saying, “Dude, I don’t want to hear that.” It seems –always follow your gut- that I was starting to be used as a scapegoat, and anything new that came on, they put it on me because they didn’t want to do the work themselves. Amazing!! Son-of-a… Since the first part’s completed, now I will begin the next part of my journey to ‘freedom’ and ‘happiness’.
I could always write, have been writing more since I began this blog. It’s like the writing monster in me that I have been denying food for so long is awake and happy. LOL. Anyway, I never thought that I would have to go back to school since I finished college. But, I’m going back to get a certificate in something that I will not reveal till I get that certificate, and ‘new job’. I don’t want to jinx it. Let me back up.
I was soooo nervous to step down. But I was given the courage, somehow, to do so yesterday. Where the heck did it come from? After a year in that hellish position, where did I finally get the… I know! No! I don’t want to know. But, for the sake of this blog, I think that everything began to lineup for that moment yesterday. That’s as far as I’m going with that right now. The tyrant just got too tyranty I guess. And I wanted, needed and finally had to break free from the first level of their control. God’s doing the rest, or maybe all of it. LOL. It’s true.
What I learned is this; no one can control you unless you allow them. That there’s always a door to another door to another door that leads you farther away from the tyrants without them realizing you are going farther away from them. Very important. Tyrants need that control, and will start worrying if they see one of their slaves going farther from their grip. LOL. But, you can. If only I could tell you more about this. But I will say that this month I was given an opportunity to speak to another about my yearning for freedom, and he allowed me to step down without me having to go to the lead tyrant himself. Through all of this, it makes me wonder ‘how the heck did I get here in the first place?’ The answer is simple. Bad people. It’s unfortunate too, because I would have taken that company to a higher level, along with other good people who know that company through years of learning. Isn’t that sad? All because of tyrants, bad people and leaders who ironically don’t know a lot about the company, but only know a few things that they have to know as a boss.
I try not to feel pride. But, I am proud of myself for not changing for them. They wanted me to be mean, told me so too. They wanted me to fire people left and right for dumb reasons when I would tell them, “No!” Rather than firing them, I would talk to the workers and train them so they wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. But them, no, they wanted to abuse their power over and over again, fire people left and right just because they could. Within this year –without putting a spotlight over myself- I saved about 15 jobs! I’ll only admit that here. One guy, saving that many; good people too.
I wouldn’t change for them. That’s what I’m proud of. I did it!! I went into hell, was tempted, and came out the same good person I was when entering. Yet now I’m stronger than ever, a better leader, and more secured in knowing that a higher force has to –is- watching over us. I can even feel the weight lifting off of my back and shoulders, literally.
What’s the moral of this short and quick post? Hmmm. Follow your gut. There are always doors to lead you out of your negative situation, but sometimes you have to look for them, or, sometimes they will present themselves to you; so take it. It took me almost a year to see that door before me. But always have hope that it’s there. It has to be, that’s why nothing’s forever. DON’T question why you’re in the situation you’re in, but rather what you’ve learned after you are out of it. What you’ve learned is the reason why you were put into it in the first place! The answer comes while the question is created. But the answer isn’t important. The question is. And you’ll receive the answer after you are out of that situation. This makes sense to me. Take care.
Love and hate for my job is just like a rose. It is. One day you look at the rose, get happy, see its beauty and then you go to sniff the rose when all of a sudden a swarm of bees comes out of the once-loved flower and attacks you. You run, the bees go away, and then you turn back to the rose and for some ungodly reason, you smile again at its beauty and go back to it. Why???? Maybe you think the bees are gone, but they’re not. Come on, you have to admit to yourself that they are there, waiting for your idiot butt to come up to the flower again.
The pattern of that needs to be broken. It’s like an abusive spouse. One week they hit you, and you think of a way to leave. And the next week they love you, and you say to yourself, “Well, it isn’t so bad.” And the next week you’re back to being the same punching bag again.” Over and over, and over. So you have to wonder who’s doing the punching and who’s doing the loving? Meaning, is God in the love or the fist, and is the devil in the fist or the trickery of love? What direction should I listen to? Confusing, right? Sometimes I think, “Well, maybe God’s just trying to teach me strength.” But after thousands of days of metaphoric steroid use, you have to stop and think, “Um, so I’m strong, so why the hell is this evil pattern still there?”
I know. It’s confusing, like smoking cigarettes!! Sure, they preach it’s bad for you, they raise the prices, but yet, they still sell it. It’s still legal? Make up your minds already. Who’s the addict here, you or me? I’m addicted to nicotine, and you’re addicted to money. Well, that’s not very nice. That’s a “pattern”.
It’s like these singers. They’re rich, famous, have everything, right? And they’re nice too. And then they write a song, and the lyrics say something like, “What you don’t have now, you don’t need it anyway.” Something like that. Umm, why the hell should I listen to you? And on top of it, why the hell am I buying your song when it says that? So, I’m giving you more money, only to hear you say that which you are not experiencing now! Huh? It’s like the devil preaching the importance of kindness. It’s like ‘right’ preaching how it knows how to be ‘left’. It’s like me trying to preach to you the meaning of life. I know it, but forces are preventing me from living it. With the singer, the music, lyrics sounds good, but the voice it’s coming from just doesn’t match the ‘need’ with the ‘fulfillment’.
With my job, the need is ‘money’ but the fulfillment of ‘happiness’ just isn’t there! It never was. I hoped it would be, maybe that’s why I’ve been there so many God-forsaken years. But it’s not. I think we are too afraid to admit that to ourselves. Just like that song example. It sounds great, but when we look closely, does it really make sense coming out of a singer who has everything? Hell no!!!
With cigarettes, does it really make sense to listen to the negative things coming from someone who used to smoke? Or some group of people that make money from the cigarettes? No.
LOL. Last week I was ready to have a nervous breakdown at work. I was. I think it’s so funny, because that’s the type of person I am. I love laughing, and I want to stay true to myself. I’m still doing the “I Am” trick, but sometimes I forget and have to remind myself. But, anyway, where the hell was I? Oh, nervous breakdown. So get this…
Talk about confusion. Right before my close encounter with the breakdown for which I have earned like a vacation, one of my trusted managers talked to me. It seems that the head boss that I hated –hate- has protected me this whole time. He respects, and likes me and every time some other manager tries to talk badly about me because of jealousy, or get me in trouble for something I didn’t do, the head boss sticks up for me and scolds them. Yes, I am a Harry Potter victim!!! How the hell can I hate him anymore now? How the hell can hate someone who makes your life a living hell, and at the same time, loves you? The battered spouse pattern tripled!!!
Why? Because now I understand why the rest of the bosses under him have worked me almost to death, and have been passive aggressive toward me. As my one, trusted boss told me after admitting this shocking news, he said, “They are jealous.” So now, I have to leave even more. You see, he can protect my job, but he can’t protect the way each of them treat me. That’s called ‘being a grownup.” Choices. Oh, yes, you must choose a road, and must understand that while choosing that new road, other things may be lost as well. Example.
While I was on the subject of singers, there was this famous, gifted singer that we all heard of. I won’t mention names, but he wrote the best songs. Why? Because he was drunk. A few years back, he made the ‘choice’ to break the alcoholic ‘pattern’ and become sober. He chose that road. Thank God. But the irony is, his music suffered. You see, when he was sober, he just couldn’t write good music anymore. He could only write good music when he was under the influence. His new road to happiness began, but on it he learned that other things would be lost. Did he choose correctly? YES!!!
When making a choice, the main thing you have to consider is and ask yourself is this. “With this new choice, will I live longer?” That’s it. If you live longer, the new days that would have normally been taken from you will hold new and wondrous choices that you CAN make. If you’re dead, you’re dead; you can’t make those new choices!!! Get it?
With my job from hell, the pattern that I’m working on breaking is this. If I stay, my life will get shorter due to stress. Others before me have died doing my job. LOL. Then why the hell did I take it? Because I thought I was stronger. But it’s not about strength. It’s about the pattern that my bosses have on how they treat a guy in my position. The battered spouse example. Or the flower with bees’ example.
You see, I think that’s why we are afraid sometimes to break patterns, choose a new road and walk down it. Because just like that famous singer, we are afraid of other things that will be lost along the way when we start walking down the new road. Bad things will be lost, and that’s what we want, right? But we fear that some good things will be lost too, and that’s what keeps us in the old pattern. Jobs are like drug dealers! LOL. They are. You’re ready to break the habit, cause you hate that place, and at the end of the year they give you your yearly raise! Now you’re making more money and each year that goes by, you make more and more and find it harder to leave because of financial peace of mind. Raises are like drugs if you hate your job and know in your heart it’s killing you. On the other hand, if you love what you do, then raises are a blessing. But if you love what you do, then I don’t why the hell you have read this far into this article! LOL.
Paths that you don’t like, in life, are like a very, very long road that’s lined with buildings. Follow me with this. You walk on it for years, waiting for an intersection, an alley, a sidewalk that goes right or left, you have a map that was given to you when you were a kid, but the map just doesn’t fit this road you’re on. It’s like it lied to you. You pray for an opened door to one of these building-like statues, or a window, but nothing. So, what the hell do you do? Do you go back? NO, because you already walked a thousand miles! You get off the road, go to the sidewalk and look closely at the buildings. Then you discover they were only mirages created by tyrants to make you fear leaving their road. In reality, there were never really any buildings lining up the road. And then you open your eyes, look past the end of your nose -if you dare- and see that there are thousands upon thousands of paths, roads, intersection, and alleys right in front of your eyes that have been there the whole time. So then you have to decide whether to break that pattern of walking down that same, miserable street, or choose another….
Remember, don’t be afraid. Choosing another may mean losing your raises at work, kicking the habit of materialistic addictions, temporarily, but after the fog clears –and it will- you’ll look back and say, “Why the hell did I stay on the path for so long?”
With me, I’m slowly losing the fear of leaving. I’m starting to remember my passions again. Books. Literary agents. Writing for me. Believing in magic again. Remembering what it was like years ago, before I started working for my hellish job with Satan as the owner.
LOL. It’s funny when people say to me, those people who don’t work and preach that they would love to work, “You should feel blessed to have a job in this day and age.”
And I say to them, “Yes, and you should feel blessed that my hard earned money is helping your lazy butt continue to live without a job.” And for those who are honest and truly authentic while saying that, my answer to them is, “Yes, idiot, I am grateful, that’s why I’m still here. But nothing says I have to like working in hell!” I mean it doesn’t make sense what some idiots’ say. It’s like telling a woman who’s being abused by her husband, “Well, honey, you should be grateful that he’s a good provider.” Say what??????????
To close this article, it reminds me of something that happened to me when I was a kid. You see, there was this small shopping center that they knocked down near my house. Everyday my parents would pass it with me in the car, and it would get smaller and smaller till the point where the center was gone, and all that was left was a few weeds. The removed the pile of debris but left the few weeds. Over time, the weeds grew bigger and bigger, forming trees and now, guess what? It has become a small forest!! A forest that began as weeds, overgrown grass. Why? Because it was allowed to grow. It didn’t have anyone there cutting it down to size, trimming it. No, it was left alone, and it grew as God interned it to grow. A few years back, the city had to put up signs around the forest saying ‘keep out’. That’s how big it grew. It reminds me of us, our choices, and our patterns in life. Whatever helps us grow, we should stick with. But whatever cuts us down to size, we should face and leave only to find a place in our lives where there’s no fear of being trimmed at our roots that we worked so hard to have.
What’s the moral here? Only your spirit knows whether you’re happy on your road or not. Listen to your feelings. And when you leave your road for another, it’s not that you gave up, it’s that you’ve changed your mind and are now pursuing a different direction. A direction where only positive metaphors exist. A direction where you can finally have the God-given chance to grow as you were intended to grow, and never have to worry about being cut down to size ever again. Hope comes in many shades. Just don’t be afraid to look past the end of your nose… You might be surprised to see how wondrous change could be. I’m starting to see it now. But that’s a whole other article.