HOPE

Patterns And The Deciding Hour Of Change

Love and hate forImage my job is just like a rose. It is. One day you look at the rose, get happy, see its beauty and then you go to sniff the rose when all of a sudden a swarm of bees comes out of the once-loved flower and attacks you. You run, the bees go away, and then you turn back to the rose and for some ungodly reason, you smile again at its beauty and go back to it. Why???? Maybe you think the bees are gone, but they’re not. Come on, you have to admit to yourself that they are there, waiting for your idiot butt to come up to the flower again.

The pattern of that needs to be broken. It’s like an abusive spouse. One week they hit you, and you think of a way to leave. And the next week they love you, and you say to yourself, “Well, it isn’t so bad.” And the next week you’re back to being the same punching bag again.” Over and over, and over. So you have to wonder who’s doing the punching and who’s doing the loving? Meaning, is God in the love or the fist, and is the devil in the fist or the trickery of love? What direction should I listen to? Confusing, right? Sometimes I think, “Well, maybe God’s just trying to teach me strength.” But after thousands of days of metaphoric steroid use, you have to stop and think, “Um, so I’m strong, so why the hell is this evil pattern still there?”

I know. It’s confusing, like smoking cigarettes!! Sure, they preach it’s bad for you, they raise the prices, but yet, they still sell it. It’s still legal? Make up your minds already. Who’s the addict here, you or me? I’m addicted to nicotine, and you’re addicted to money. Well, that’s not very nice. That’s a “pattern”.

It’s like these singers. They’re rich, famous, have everything, right? And they’re nice too. And then they write a song, and the lyrics say something like, “What you don’t have now, you don’t need it anyway.” Something like that. Umm, why the hell should I listen to you? And on top of it, why the hell am I buying your song when it says that? So, I’m giving you more money, only to hear you say that which you are not experiencing now! Huh? It’s like the devil preaching the importance of kindness. It’s like ‘right’ preaching how it knows how to be ‘left’. It’s like me trying to preach to you the meaning of life. I know it, but forces are preventing me from living it. With the singer, the music, lyrics sounds good, but the voice it’s coming from just doesn’t match the ‘need’ with the ‘fulfillment’.

With my job, the need is ‘money’ but the fulfillment of ‘happiness’ just isn’t there! It never was. I hoped it would be, maybe that’s why I’ve been there so many God-forsaken years. But it’s not. I think we are too afraid to admit that to ourselves. Just like that song example. It sounds great, but when we look closely, does it really make sense coming out of a singer who has everything? Hell no!!!

With cigarettes, does it really make sense to listen to the negative things coming from someone who used to smoke? Or some group of people that make money from the cigarettes? No.

LOL. Last week I was ready to have a nervous breakdown at work. I was. I think it’s so funny, because that’s the type of person I am. I love laughing, and I want to stay true to myself. I’m still doing the “I Am” trick, but sometimes I forget and have to remind myself. But, anyway, where the hell was I? Oh, nervous breakdown. So get this…

Talk about confusion. Right before my close encounter with the breakdown for which I have earned like a vacation, one of my trusted managers talked to me. It seems that the head boss that I hated –hate- has protected me this whole time. He respects, and likes me and every time some other manager tries to talk badly about me because of jealousy, or get me in trouble for something I didn’t do, the head boss sticks up for me and scolds them. Yes, I am a Harry Potter victim!!! How the hell can I hate him anymore now? How the hell can hate someone who makes your life a living hell, and at the same time, loves you? The battered spouse pattern tripled!!!

ImageWhy? Because now I understand why the rest of the bosses under him have worked me almost to death, and have been passive aggressive toward me. As my one, trusted boss told me after admitting this shocking news, he said, “They are jealous.” So now, I have to leave even more. You see, he can protect my job, but he can’t protect the way each of them treat me. That’s called ‘being a grownup.” Choices. Oh, yes, you must choose a road, and must understand that while choosing that new road, other things may be lost as well. Example.

While I was on the subject of singers, there was this famous, gifted singer that we all heard of. I won’t mention names, but he wrote the best songs. Why? Because he was drunk. A few years back, he made the ‘choice’ to break the alcoholic ‘pattern’ and become sober. He chose that road. Thank God. But the irony is, his music suffered. You see, when he was sober, he just couldn’t write good music anymore. He could only write good music when he was under the influence. His new road to happiness began, but on it he learned that other things would be lost. Did he choose correctly? YES!!!

When making a choice, the main thing you have to consider is and ask yourself is this. “With this new choice, will I live longer?” That’s it. If you live longer, the new days that would have normally been taken from you will hold new and wondrous choices that you CAN make. If you’re dead, you’re dead; you can’t make those new choices!!! Get it?

With my job from hell, the pattern that I’m working on breaking is this. If I stay, my life will get shorter due to stress. Others before me have died doing my job. LOL. Then why the hell did I take it? Because I thought I was stronger. But it’s not about strength. It’s about the pattern that my bosses have on how they treat a guy in my position. The battered spouse example. Or the flower with bees’ example.

You see, I think that’s why we are afraid sometimes to break patterns, choose a new road and walk down it. Because just like that famous singer, we are afraid of other things that will be lost along the way when we start walking down the new road. Bad things will be lost, and that’s what we want, right? But we fear that some good things will be lost too, and that’s what keeps us in the old pattern. Jobs are like drug dealers! LOL. They are. You’re ready to break the habit, cause you hate that place, and at the end of the year they give you your yearly raise! Now you’re making more money and each year that goes by, you make more and more and find it harder to leave because of financial peace of mind. Raises are like drugs if you hate your job and know in your heart it’s killing you. On the other hand, if you love what you do, then raises are a blessing. But if you love what you do, then I don’t why the hell you have read this far into this article! LOL.

ImagePaths that you don’t like, in life, are like a very, very long road that’s lined with buildings. Follow me with this. You walk on it for years, waiting for an intersection, an alley, a sidewalk that goes right or left, you have a map that was given to you when you were a kid, but the map just doesn’t fit this road you’re on. It’s like it lied to you. You pray for an opened door to one of these building-like statues, or a window, but nothing. So, what the hell do you do? Do you go back? NO, because you already walked a thousand miles! You get off the road, go to the sidewalk and look closely at the buildings. Then you discover they were only mirages created by tyrants to make you fear leaving their road. In reality, there were never really any buildings lining up the road. And then you open your eyes, look past the end of your nose -if you dare- and see that there are thousands upon thousands of paths, roads, intersection, and alleys right in front of your eyes that have been there the whole time. So then you have to decide whether to break that pattern of walking down that same, miserable street, or choose another….

Remember, don’t be afraid. Choosing another may mean losing your raises at work, kicking the habit of materialistic addictions, temporarily, but after the fog clears –and it will- you’ll look back and say, “Why the hell did I stay on the path for so long?”

With me, I’m slowly losing the fear of leaving. I’m starting to remember my passions again. Books. Literary agents. Writing for me. Believing in magic again. Remembering what it was like years ago, before I started working for my hellish job with Satan as the owner.

LOL. It’s funny when people say to me, those people who don’t work and preach that they would love to work, “You should feel blessed to have a job in this day and age.”

And I say to them, “Yes, and you should feel blessed that my hard earned money is helping your lazy butt continue to live without a job.” And for those who are honest and truly authentic while saying that, my answer to them is, “Yes, idiot, I am grateful, that’s why I’m still here. But nothing says I have to like working in hell!”  I mean it doesn’t make sense what some idiots’ say. It’s like telling a woman who’s being abused by her husband, “Well, honey, you should be grateful that he’s a good provider.” Say what??????????

ImageTo close this article, it reminds me of something that happened to me when I was a kid. You see, there was this small shopping center that they knocked down near my house. Everyday my parents would pass it with me in the car, and it would get smaller and smaller till the point where the center was gone, and all that was left was a few weeds. The removed the pile of debris but left the few weeds. Over time, the weeds grew bigger and bigger, forming trees and now, guess what? It has become a small forest!! A forest that began as weeds, overgrown grass. Why? Because it was allowed to grow. It didn’t have anyone there cutting it down to size, trimming it. No, it was left alone, and it grew as God interned it to grow. A few years back, the city had to put up signs around the forest saying ‘keep out’. That’s how big it grew. It reminds me of us, our choices, and our patterns in life. Whatever helps us grow, we should stick with. But whatever cuts us down to size, we should face and leave only to find a place in our lives where there’s no fear of being trimmed at our roots that we worked so hard to have.

What’s the moral here? Only your spirit knows whether you’re happy on your road or not. Listen to your feelings. And when you leave your road for another, it’s not that you gave up, it’s that you’ve changed your mind and are now pursuing a different direction. A direction where only positive metaphors exist. A direction where you can finally have the God-given chance to grow as you were intended to grow, and never have to worry about being cut down to size ever again. Hope comes in many shades. Just don’t be afraid to look past the end of your nose… You might be surprised to see how wondrous change could be. I’m starting to see it now. But that’s a whole other article.

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Categories: HOPE, INSANITY

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