Healing from the outside in is a challenge that your spirit has to face, to your mind. Meaning, you can’t decide one day that you’re going to heal, you have to be in the moment, have to be on that ‘edge’ that allows your inner being to say “I’m done.” And guess what? “I’m DONE….”
For the past year I took a manager position at my work, not for the pay of course, but for the ability to make a difference in workers’ lives. But since then,m sure I cleaned up the old habits of the employees, but upper management wants me to be ‘mean’ to them so they will ‘obey’ or ‘listen’ to them even on my days off. I am not mean. I was trying to be something that I am not. I hear too many opinions from different upper management on how to be a good manager. One says to be firm, the other says to be loud, another says to win them over; these can’t coexistence together! You’re either fir and they hate you,m or nice, and they like you, but they take advantage of your kindness. Every time I’m strict with an employee to the point of scolding, it hurts me. But I still do it. The only thing I don’t understand is no matter how good or kind of a manager or leader you are, there’s always another upper manager that says you’re leading the wrong way. So I might step down. I’m grateful though that I was a manager for this past year, because I learned more about who I am. Throughout all the fights, arguments, trying to mold the employees to be better at their jobs, not for my sake, but for their job’ sake, I learned that I am a kind person who can’t be changed into a cruel person. AND THAT WAS WHAT WAS SADDENING ME. I was fighting with myself, this whole time, trying to be that as..hole that many uopper managers wanted, a button for which I can easily turn on, but I don’t want to turn it on.
What’s the moral here? Listen to your heart. Really listen. If you do something that causes sadness, than that something you did was not meant for you to do. And it’s okay. I actually forgot, for this past years, that I was a writer! But now, I remember again. Never, ever forget who you are. It will depress you, beat you up, stress you and make you lose yourself. I am a leader, but not their type of leader. That’s the difference. Follow your feelings, a pressure inside of your mind that lurks every time you’re doing something that in truth, you weren’t meant to do. And it’s okay.
Well I have to prepare for the NATO visit today. Packing my bags and I might stay at a motel closer to my work since I’m at ground 0 for the summit. I just want to avoid the traffic, stress and the protestors with negative intentions. I’ll see. If traffic seems good, I’ll simply return home and go on my balcony and enjoy the show.